Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Back in the 1980s a hero was created, a hero like no other. For, this hero did not have any special powers or access to multimillions, nor was this hero interested in protecting the weak or fighting the forces of evil – although his job impassively required it.

This hero was a mere man, this hero was an archaeologist!!

However, like many heroes before him, he had two aliases; by day he was Dr Henry Jones Jr – college professor, by night he was Indiana Jones, the everyman hero!

As the 80s ended so did Indiana Jones’ adventures, with a fleeting bow to the audience the final scene sees our hero and his sidekicks riding off into the sunset, never to be seen again...

Or so it seemed at the time.

At this point, if you loved the original 3 films as much as I did you’re probably feeling huge amounts of nostalgia, flowing through your body like you were actually there when Indiana discovered the Holy Grail or when he freed the hundreds of slave children from the grasps of power hungry brainwashed crazies!

That feeling – that one right there – is how I felt going into this fourth instalment – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – and that feeling would remain with me...

For some 20 minutes.

From the opening credits you’ll be questioning what you’re watching; let’s forget the fact that the big hoopla at the beginning of the movie is just an extension of the trailer and start with something that I could not get my head around: the visuals.

Indiana Jones is very easy to typecast visually; it has always had a B-movie look to it – a master-stroke of design if there ever was one. However, in The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - on occasions - the set design and visuals seem forcefully B-movie (notably when we first meet Indiana, the back drop is horrible); you can feel the millions of Hollywood holding up the set. They have now ceased to be B-movie designs and have instead become Hollywood pretenders.
If only to echo this, they (I'm looking at you George Lucas) have gone CGI-mental, with ridiculous monkeys swinging from trees to save the day to man killing ants, which reminded me of something from The Mummy; this was a playground for Lucas CGI studios, many people are comparing this fourth installment to the newer CGI-ridden Star Wars movies, and I have to agree with them; more doesn't always mean better, George.

Set pieces are a big selling point for the Indiana Jones franchise: the opening scene in Raiders? The mining cart chase in Doom? The leap of faith in Last Crusade? There are some decent ones in this film, though they pale in comparison to the aforementioned ones; the opening warehouse scene and the bike chase being stand out moments. With a sword fight with each participant on two different cars as they travel at ferocious speeds being another.

The cast is red hot, Harrison Ford and Karen Allen return to reignite their romance, Shia LaBeouf plays Mutt - Indy's knife wielding sidekick (and also connection to the 50s, the rest of the cast still dress very 30s). Ray Winstone and John Hurt also come along for the ride. Cate Blanchett plays the evil Russian who wants to do evil things with the crystal skull (there’s always one).

But although the cast is red hot, the script and acting is... lacking. There's still something special about Ford in his Indy attire, but the man that speaks doesn't speak like Indiana, the witty dialogue and chemistry so brilliant and evident in previous movies isn't there. Shia impresses as Mutt, and gradually becomes someone likeable, and Winstone and Hurt do reasonably well but sometimes there seems like too many cooks in the kitchen; the other characters end up doing Indy's job for him. He's more Henry Snr (Last Crusade) than Henry Jr; taking the wheel instead of grabbing a sword. Blanchett, to her credit, is pensively excellent as Spalko and does provide some good dialogue as well as a worth opponent for Indy.

The less said about plot the better, for the first one and a half hours it's OK; following a pattern of 1) the pulse-racing opening scenario, 2) the back-to-Marshall-College pause for breath, 3) the accidental treasure trail – because Indy is never so vulgar as to go looking for riches on purpose – and 4) the jackpot final highway, an exciting 45-minute rollercoaster that may test your credulity but never your attention span (thanks Empire) But I couldn't help but cringe at the conclusion; or should that read at how the conclusion was presented.

I was constantly waiting for the fun to begin, but it never seemed to get out of second gear, instead it seems to patter along at a slow jog without really getting started. A mere two days after viewing it and I'm finding it difficult to remember anything except the beginning and the end; it just wasn't very memorable.

It's my main gripe as an Indy fan (the above has been about Indy IV as a film, and not part of a franchise) but needless to say the concluding scene in Crystal Skull left a horrible taste in my mouth, and left me looking around in the cinema mouthing "what the hell was all that about?".

Verdict
I'd like to take this opportunity to tell people not to go and see it; in my most humble of opinions it's an average movie - at best - and a horrible installment to the Indy franchise. However, I don't believe for one second that my word is gospel, in fact I would still urge people to go and see it. If you loved the first three movies - and you enjoy this one, too - then you're going to get something out of this, and I wish I had your perspective. For people who go to see it and agree with me (and there were plenty of groaners when I left the cinema) you'll probably be left feeling confused (I'm still glad I went to see it, even if it was - er - pants).
I realise how controversial this review has been, just be grateful I didn’t write this review on the Thursday or even Friday. It would have been even more cynical.

2.5/5