Take Two - How Lost Should Have Been

[JB Sawyer]

Well since everyone has started doing them it's time for the King to join in

So begins Take Two - How Lost Should Have Been

~~~~~~~~~~~

Take I

[An eye snaps open]

Jack: Huh? Wha?

[He turns his head to the side, alerted by a rustling beside him. A golden Labrador wanders up beside him]

Jack: Huh? Oh it’s a dog. Hey boy, you remind me of my ex wife…My ex wife that split up from me because she didn’t love me anymore…How can she not love me anymore? After all I’m worth it. And it’s not like I ever did anything to hurt her. Well apart from being obsessed with my dad, fixing anybody and everybody, kissing any brunette that passes by, stalking her constantly and killing her goldfish. Oh God how I miss her [A tear slowly trickles down his cheek]

Vincent: [thinking] Bugger this; I’m going to play with the smoke thingy. [Wanders off]

Jack: Oh no, now the dog has left me. Why does everybody leave me? [sobs]

[A scream stops Jack crying momentarily. Unfortunately it probably won’t last that way]

Jack: That sounds like a woman screaming. I can fix her. I can fix anybody! Where’s my tights, it’s fixing Jack time!

[Jack remembers that his superhero tights were packed with his other stuff in his suitcase, a suitcase that at this moment in time is in an undisclosed location, and sets off to the source of the screams]

Jack: [running past trees] I can fix that branch! I can fix that one too! I can fix that!I could fix that so much better than anyone else! That doesn’t even need fixing but I can fix that!

[He eventually reaches the beach where he sees the burning wreckage of the fuselage and an array of people bleeding and screaming]

Jack: I can fix this! [He runs off into the melee]

[Meanwhile a bald man with only one shoe is lying on his back and has only just woken up]

Locke: I see sand. Sand what should I do? What am I meant to do? Why won’t you tell me?! I see sky. Sky what am I meant to do? Why won’t the sky tell me what to do? Hello foot. Foot what am I meant to do? Oh wait I’m wearing my black and green socks, they only talk on Wednesdays. Hang on, my toes are moving. My toes weren’t moving before. Or maybe they were and I just didn’t listen to them. I’ll try standing up now. [He stands up] Oh look men. Maybe they can tell me what to do.

[Locke walks across to a man standing in front of a whirring turbine. The man looks disorientated and is holding some sort of script. A script undoubtedly better written than the one you’re reading.]

Locke: Get away from here so you can tell me what I’m supposed to –

[He’s interrupted as the man is sucked into the turbine and the turbine explodes. His script flutters off further down the beach and smacks a Korean woman, Sun, in the face. Because of this she won’t speak for around 6 episodes.]

Locke: Damn it! Who’s going to tell me what to do, but not what I can’t do, now?!

Jack: [running over] Hey! Can you help get this man out from underneath this wreckage? I’m too busy being heroic and running around in slow motion.

Locke: Finally, someone who can tell me what to do. I’m going to like him for around a season then turn against him because he doesn’t agree with me. [Runs off to help man]

[Jack comes across a fat man over a fat woman. Disgusted by this sudden lack of morals by the fat people he starts to run away and be heroic someone else, then realises that the woman isn’t actually fat but merely pregnant.]

Hurley: Hey dude, I came over here to help with the blond pregnant chick under a wing that looks like it’s about to collapse because I’m really unlucky.

Jack: What? I’m the only one that’s aloud to be heroic!

Hurley: Okay dude…so what should we do with the girl?

Claire: My name is Claire.

Jack: Nobody cares dear.

Claire: But what about my baybee?

Jack: Your what?

Claire: My baybee.

Jack: Your allergic to bees?

Hurley: No dude, that’s in about three episodes time. She’s talking about her baby.

Jack: You have a baby?

Claire: Erm I’m praygnant.

Jack: Oh yeah I knew that. How far along are you?

Claire: 9 months. I’m due any day –

Jack: No I was talking to him.

Hurley: That’s not cool dude.

Jack: Wait, the wing is about to fall. Come on it’s time for our heroic and overly dramatic jump out of the way of a big explosion.

[Hurley and Jack help Claire up and they run before jumping dramatically as the wing falls and the wreckage explodes for no real reason other than it looks cool.]

Jack: Right, you two wait hear, I’ve got to go off and be heroic somewhere else.

Hurley: Wait, what’s your name?!

Jack: Jack!

Hurley: A hero called Jack…I’m sure I’ve seen that somewhere else…

[Jack runs past a very pretty blonde who is screaming for no apparent reason]

Jack: Hey are you OK?

Shannon: [screams]

Jack: Are you hurt?

Shannon: [screams] No!

Jack: Then why are you screaming?

Shannon: It’s so I look like I’m really affected by the crash before I start sunbathing in my bikini.

Jack: Oh, ok. Can I watch?

Shannon: Me screaming?

Jack: No, you in your bikini.

Shannon: You do know all the tissues on the plane will have been destroyed.

Jack: Damn. Ah well I’ve got to go and be heroic somewhere else.

Shannon: OK bye [starts screaming again]

[Jack comes across a young man with massive eyebrows over a middle aged black woman. He’s trying to perform CPR]

Jack: Wait, you’re doing it all wrong. [He pushes Boone out the way and starts performing CPR on Rose]

Boone: Are you sure? I’m a lifeguard.

Jack: Have you ever done CPR as a lifeguard?

Boone: Well, no, I kind of just floated people on my eyebrows.

Jack: [rolls eyes]

Boone: Hey do you know what will be a good idea?

Jack: Start pounding on her chest like a mad man while crying?

Boone: Er no, I was going to say stick a pen in her throat.

Jack: [realising this an opportunity to get Boone to go away] Sure go find a pen.

[Boone runs off and starts asking a dead body if they have a pen]

[Rose splutters and wakes up]

Jack: Thank God, I wouldn’t have looked very heroic if you’d died first episode. Are you OK?

Rose: To be honest, I’ve been awake for the last few minutes. That was the most action I’ve had for years.

[Jack, disgusted, stands up and walks away from Rose. He starts walking around in front of the burning wreckage in slow motion in order to look as heroic as possible. Behind him a man is narrowly missed by a falling burning piece of wreckage]

Charlie: [stoned] Bloody hell mate, watch where you’re going.

[monster-eats-pilot]

That's good JB

[sweet_cheeks]

Cool

[KatesFate]

Good job JB! lol at Boone and saving people by floating them on his eyebrows!!

[Bass-mastaa]

Haha great stuff , love the bit at the end with Rose

[lost-lover]

Good stuff JB

[Miss Austen]

Rib tickling!

[haelle03]

Rose at the end creased me up.

[The_abbott]

Hey, your merely just a pawn JB. I am the king

But iot was good stuff for an apprentice

[JB Sawyer]

Cheers people. The next part should be done tomorrow (it's a kind of Saturday thing).

And Abbs you do know that all apprentices turn on their masters

[JB Sawyer]

Take I Part II

[Some undesignated time later. Jack has wandered off somewhere, and is now in a little clearance surrounded by trees]

Jack: My side hurts [sobs]

[He takes off his jacket, revealing a large red patch on his shirt]

Jack: Oh no! My felt tip pen has leaked!

[He takes a leaking red felt pen out of the shirt pocket]

Jack: Oh God, now I’m going to have to wash this then never wear this suit again.

[He takes off the shirt and notices a large gash down his side]

Jack: I would fix that, but sadly my arms are too short and stubby [sobs]

[Jack knees in the sand, pulling a strange face while sobbing loudly]

Kate: Could you please stop crying, I’m trying to admire your designer stubble and you’re getting tears all over it. What do you use to get that by the way, I’ll have to get it for my arms.

Jack: [looking up] Oh, I use L’Oreal because I’m…Ah! Who said that?

Kate: Me.

Jack: Where are you? All I can see is trees.

Kate: I’m right in front of you.

Jack: [Squinting his eyes and peering into the trees in front of him. Eventually Kate fades into view] Ah, there you are.

Kate: [rolls eyes]

Jack: Well now you’re here mysterious tree woman, have you ever done any stitching?

Kate: What?

Jack: Come on, you’re a woman you must have done stitching.

Kate: Why are you asking me if I’ve ever stitched anything?

Jack: Because I have a rather large hole in my left hand side, which you need to stitch up while I tell a rather gruesome story about being a doctor. I’m a doctor you see.

Kate: I see.

Jack: Most of my patients don’t, he he he.

Kate: You’re seriously asking a complete stranger to stitch up a wound?

Jack: Of course. It makes me look heroic.

Kate: Erm…ok.

[She kneels down beside Jack as he passes her a needle and a box of threads]

Kate: Any colour preference?

Jack: I beg your pardon, I like both black and white women, I’m not racist.

[Elsewhere an Arab man is busy building a signal fire. Charlie is sat beside him.]

Charlie: What’s that?

Sayid: This is a log Charlie.

Charlie: Right…what are you doing with this loog?

Sayid: No Charlie, it’s a log. And I’m making a signal fire so the plane can see us.

Charlie: Bloody hell mate, now you’re being silly; we crashed in the plane.

Sayid: No, if a plane or something flies over us they’ll see the signal fire and come and rescue us.

Charlie: How is a bird gonna come and rescue us?

Sayid: [sighs] Are you on drugs Charlie?

Charlie: [hiding the heroin behind his back] No.

Sayid: [rolls eyes]

[He stacks the logs then grabs two sticks and starts rubbing them together]

Charlie: What’re those?

Sayid: These are sticks Charlie. I’m rubbing them together to start the fire.

Charlie: Woah you can do that with socks?

Sayid: No Charlie, sticks.

Charlie: Alright mate, no need to take the ****.

Sayid: Look, I think the pregnant girl just called you.

Charlie: But she doesn’t have my mobile number yet.

Sayid: Just go over there.

[Meanwhile the Korean couple are fishing, not quite realising how hideously stereotypical that is]

[Sun is wearing fourteen woolly jumpers, six pairs of trousers, four scarves and three bobble hats. The sweat has created a rather large puddle around her feet despite the fact she’s standing in the sea]

Jin: [In Korean] I hope no-one steps on one of these or someone will have to pee on their foot.

[He looks up and notices that Sun has pulled one of her scarves down slightly]

Jin: Havaflabalap!

[Sun pulls on another hat]

[Back on the beach, the embers burning around and within the fuselage mingle with the orange of the setting sun. It looks mint]

Charlie: [Very faintly in the distance] What’s happening? Why is the sky dying?

[Leaning up against a heap of wreckage is a tall man with slicked back hair and perfect stubble, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth with a little trail of smoke coming from the end. He takes the cigarette out and looks up]

Sawyer: Damn, I look badass.

[firebreathingfishies]

lmao the jin and sun bit made me laugh