Another survivor

[monster-eats-pilot]

Ok ummm I've never posted in here before but I found this story I'd started and thought I'd post it. It's still a work in progress and it isnt very good but hey I thought I might have a go at finishing and post the bit that I started now
It's not really based on any season of Lost. Well maybe s1 ish and it's a made up character and I don't really know where I'm going with it so it could take me a while to finish it but I'm just chatting on now
Tell me if you like it and I'll post the next bit. Constructive criticism welcome
Oh and I really suck at paragraphing so it's just basically one big paragraph

Her heart pounded louder with every step she took. She moved quickly keeping low by the trees not wanting to be spotted. Her body ached with tiredness, her throat dry and screaming out for water but she couldn’t stop until she was out of the jungle. The air was hot and sticky, the moisture from the jungle made it ten times worse. The valley was close but she didn’t know how long she could keep walking. Her heart was still pounding, she didn’t want to think about what would happen when she got to beach, or if she;d even make it to the beach. She moved abit quicker wanting to be out of the jungle badly, her dehydration causing her to loose focus. She walked on hardly noticing where she was, she was becoming disorientated and then suddenly she was out in the bright sunlight, she’d noticed she'd reached the valley. She collapsed onto an up rooted tree just outside the jungle and reached into her pack for her water. She gulped it down greedily, she could feel her body hydrating itself. The valley was a clear grassy area stretching for about a mile in front of her. In the horizon she could see the sea. She needed to rest but she knew she couldn’t stay long in the open area. The mid morning sun blazed down on her. She’d been walking for nearly two days and she hadn’t eaten at all. On cue her tummy rumbled. She reluctantly went into her pack again and found a mango. She didnt want to waste any time. She ate it quickly and decided she’d rested for too long. She grabbed her things, removed any trace that she’d been there and took off through the valley. The walk was quick and refreshing. The breeze was light and airy and the first time in two days she felt abit happier. She had a good view of the sea now where there was no jungle and the ground she was on was higher even though she knew the shore line was miles off. There was no beach though, she could just make out the sea crashing into large rocks. She had to go North East to reach the sandy beach which meant going through another jungle. She reached the edge of it. Her heart started pounding again and the happiness faded. She knew the beach was close and what was there scared her the most. It could be the difference between surviving or not surviving. She took a deep breath and headed into the jungle. This jungle was full of overgrown undergrowth unlike the one she‘d just come from which just smaller trees and a few overgrown plants. It was hard to navigate, especially with the tall trees. Her senses were sharp. Any small noise caused her to jump. Her pace quickened. The trees blocked the light, there were only small patches of scattered light. It was an eerie setting. She shivered. The wind had picked up slightly. Again her pace quickened. She kept heading North East as best she could but it was hard with the thick jungle and little sun to navigate by. The leaves rustled and then she heard it. The sound she’d heard just after she’d set off. The whispers. Fear took over, she could hardly breathe. She ran and ran, the fear and the whispers following her. The jungle blurring past her but she could still hear them. She didn’t know what direction she was going in she just knew she had to run. She kept on running and suddenly she tripped over a tree root. Her head hit the ground and she was knocked out.

[firebreathingfishies]

that's cool really good, and nice descriptions. Only problem I had was no paragraphs but that's because i'm a tard and i can't read things squashed together. Otherwise, mint

[monster-eats-pilot]

I cant do paragraphs
I'll post the next bit in paragraphs

[firebreathingfishies]

you better!

[Beach Crew]

Not bad at all Mepples. I rather enjoyed. Like FBF, I'd quite like some paragraphs because it does make it easier to read. Perhaps try looking for a topic end and then making a new paragraph? Like for example:

Her heart pounded louder with every step she took. She moved quickly keeping low by the trees not wanting to be spotted. Her body ached with tiredness, her throat dry and screaming out for water but she couldn’t stop until she was out of the jungle. The air was hot and sticky, the moisture from the jungle made it ten times worse. The valley was close but she didn’t know how long she could keep walking. Her heart was still pounding, she didn’t want to think about what would happen when she got to beach, or if she;d even make it to the beach.

That would make one paragraph because that's where the topic seems to end?

But ignore me, I'm sure you know how to make paragraphs and I'm just slipping into teacher mode

It was really good though, plenty of description and a nice flow - and of course a cliffhanger! I look forward to see what happens next!

[monster-eats-pilot]

Are you my English teacher?
You sound just like her

Yeah I suck at it
I'll try find where I saved the next bit later then I'm going to have to write some more

[monster-eats-pilot]

Now with 100% more 'attempted' paragraphs
EDIT: wow I hadnt realised how much I'd written!

Her pack had landed a few feet away and it was the first thing she saw. She rubbed her head. She could hear herself breathing heavily, the whispers had gone. She got up carefully hoping herself and her pack were in one piece. Just. She took a few seconds to get her bearings but it was almost impossible. She panicked a little. She kept on walking in a straight line hoping she’d get to the beach soon. Her ears picked up any small noise, any twig breaking beneath her, any leaf rustling. She tired to calm herself down but it didn’t work.

She walked a little further and then the jungle got lighter, she sun brighter and suddenly she felt the ground become soft and unstable, she was on the beach, the sea stretching into the horizon, blurring in with the sky. She looked to her left, about 100 metres down the sand became rocks and the beach she’d seen from the valley was there. The rocks were sharp and wet making it virtually inaccessible to cross them. The waves crashed into them, pounding them each time. She looked her right. There was nothing but the empty sandy beach for miles. She stood still, rooted to the spot. The waves crashed, the leaves rustled, her heart beated loudly but all she could hear was a deafening silence that was crushing her making it hard to breathe. She sank into the sand crying. There was nobody there. She was on her own. She sat crying and crying not knowing what to do. Her hopes were crushed. She didn’t know how long she’d been sat there crying but the sun was now blazing, it’s rays burning. Any fear that was still in her body had been replaced by dread, she had to do something she couldn’t stay out here crying in the middle of the day on a deserted beach. Reality kicked in. She could walk the beach and follow the shore line until she found somebody. She got up and sorted herself out. Her eyes were swollen from all the crying. She quickly gulped some water down and splashed abit of water from the sea onto her face and then she set off once again.

She walked for what seemed like hours but her perception of time wasn’t accurate anymore. She trudged on. She thought about home and the heart breaking fact that her family and friends probably thought she was dead. They'd be heart broken, all the pain she was putting them through when she was alive but there was no way of letting them know. She sighed, like her heart her body had become heavy, her feet dragging, her legs barely moving then suddenly her legs gave way. She hadn't noticed it at first because she had been too lost in her thoughts. The beach had begun to curve round so she had a clear view of it across the water from where she was. She could just about see tents there. People. Life. She broke down but this time with happiness. She sank her head into the sand and wept. She couldn’t believe it she’d found people. She was going to survive. Big, fat, warm tears rolled down her cheeks and she started laughing with happiness. Every bad feeling, every bad emotion was replaced by a warm happiness she couldn’t believe it.

She got up and started running as fast as she could following the beach to reach their camp. She was still laughing so happy that she had finally made it, she might be going home, she might be seeing her family and friends, she laughed again but then a cruel last hurdle faced her. About 50 metres ahead of her the beach curved in again becoming rocks. She’d have to go through the jungle if she wanted to get to the other side. Her happy feeling was replaced once again with fear. She gulped at the thought of going back into the jungle. She stood there wondering what to do. There were only 3 choices. Stay where she was, climb over the rocks or go through the jungle. Each one had a negative outcome. She’d die if she stayed where she was from the heat and no food or water, she’d slip on the rocks and fall into the sea and be pounded to death if she tried crossing them and she would have to face the unknown, the whispers in the jungle if she chose to go in.

She chose the jungle. She walked up to it. It loomed over her, mocking her. Their camp was still no closer than where she had first seem it. She took a deep breath and walked into the jungle. There was no happy emotions in her now. She moved faster than she ever had. She desperately tried to keep to the edge on the jungle but it was impossible in some parts, the undergrowth was too thick or the trees were too close together. She reached the heart of the jungle quickly and she knew had to go in deeper following a narrow path to get out. She felt like she was being watched. She felt sick with fear.

She followed the path quickly, it had led her into a small clearing where several trees had been up rooted and they almost looked like they had been pulled up deliberately. She quickly got her bottle out and drained the last remaining bit of water. The sun was shining here and she felt abit safer. Her breathing slowed a little. She turned in a circle trying to work out which way to go now and then she saw it out of the corner of her eye, moving black smoke. She rubbed her eyes thinking she was hallucinating.

The jungle was quiet there was no sound at all, it was an eerie silence something was wrong and she was well aware of it. BANG! a tree had just been up rooted a few metres behind her she turned round and screamed. BANG! another tree went this time closer to her and then she saw the most terrifying thing that caused her to be rooted to the spot unable to think or move. A giant cloud of black smoke was coming straight for her. She was more scared then she had ever been in her life. She saw the jungle blurring past her eyes and suddenly she was aware that her body had had the sense to start running for it's life. She pushed her way through the undergrowth through trees, through the vines not daring to look behind her. She couldn't hear it anymore though so she risked a quick glance behind her. She saw a split second of jungle and then suddenly she saw the ground rolling before her eyes she was tumbling down a ditch. She felt her pack smacking her back, her clothes snag on branches, her skin being scratched, she was well aware that the monster could still be behind her but she didn’t have time to think what to do as she felt her head hit something hard and then there was blackness. She had hit her head on a rock. She was now lying unconscious at the bottom of a ditch with the monster still out there.

[Beach Crew]

Ooooooo, Mep, that was wonderful. I knew you could write paragraphs! And no, I'm not your teacher but I do like to help people, lol.

I really like how you let us see into the character's mind - her fear and desperation. Very well done.

I hope she's ok though, and that she gets back to the camp - poor lass. Oh, and you're very good at cliffhangers, lol.

[monster-eats-pilot]

I was going to say how do you know it's a girl but the word 'her' used in every sentance kind of gives it away

I've not written anything after that, I'm going to have to write some tomorrow