[lost-lover]

CHAPTER 8

I left the hotel and just kept walking, on and on with no idea where I was heading, just as long as it put distance between myself and Leo. Actually, I knew where I was heading - the train station - I just didn't have a damn clue how to get there. I'd been walking for over an hour and I think I've just gone in a big circle - I really didn't know my way around this place. On top of my hopeless sense of direction, I still hadn't worked up the nerve to call Jack back; at the moment he was a link to Alex, and that was the problem. If I didn't call him soon, Leo would. If Leo called him first and told him I'd done a runner then I didn't know what Jack would do - only that it would either send me back to Leo, or towards him - depending on who was nearest - and would not involve me getting any info on the meet that Alex wanted. If I knew one thing, it was that I didn't want Jack or Leo anywhere near this meet or near my brother. I have enough blood on my hands, and not just my father's.
More than ever, I was struggling to keep my emotional mask in place. Since I'd killed Andy I'd gone from out of the frying pan into the fire. Killing my father tested my limits to what I thought was the max, but the aftermath - mainly this upcoming reunion with Alex - is pushing me further than I thought I could go. For only the second time since I was a child, I'm not fully in control of my emotions, or my life, and I hate it. One thing I've been determined to gain since cutting ties with the family was control of myself - freedom, independence. Well, I've been doing pretty well with that, but I've almost always had Leo there for me. If I'm honest with myself, without him I don't know where I'd be now.
I saw - finally - the train station in the distance, once outside I stood a little way off from a group of smokers, and forced myself to dial Jack's number. With each little ring my gut clenched as I prayed he hadn't already heard from Leo. After what seemed like an eternity, he answered.
"Cass?" He yelled, his New York accent was more pronounced than normal; he was clearly worried. "Thank God! I wondered what the hell happened. I swear I thought you knew about Alex."
"I'm fine Jack, I was just a little shocked, you know? Sorry for hanging up on you." I said, trying to sound normal.
"Forget about it darlin', I was just worried you we're going to do something stupid." A small pause. "You're not gonna do anything stupid are you?"
I've abandoned Leo, and I'm now trying to trick you into telling me where Alex want's to meet me."Of course not, what do you take me for?" I said, as scornfully as I could.
He chuckled. "Had to check, love, had to check. Talking of stupid, why's the shadow not stole your phone yet?" He asked.
My gut dropped like a stone. I fought to sound like nothing had changed. "Don't call him that Jack. I'm in the hotel waiting for him to get back from the cop shop; he's just taken my clothes in for forensics so I could catch a break." The smokers looked over at that. I gave a small wave and walked further away from them.
"Ok." Jack sounded shocked. I realised he was still clueless about Mr Pervert Cartwright's assault claim against me. "You'll have to explain that to me when I meet up with you two."
See what I mean? These two will be watching me like a hawk if they catch up with me. I decided to get to the point of the conversation - Leo would have found out I'd checked out of the hotel by now. "Don't worry I'm not gonna get caught. Talking of prisoners though, about Alex - do you know where and when he wants to meet with me?"
"Yeah. I checked it all again after you hung up on me. He wants to meet you at the funeral, probably to talk to you after it. In case you didn't know, it's in London in 2 days time. Starts at 3PM, at St. Pauls." He paused, I heard him swear quietly, no doubt realising he'd told me everything I needed to know. I couldn't hang up yet though - I needed to be careful; one wrong move and he'd be straight on the phone to Leo. "Cass, you're not planning on going are you?"
"I'm not a fool Jack. I wanted to know where it was so I could get as far as I could in the opposite direction. I broke my ties with my family a few months before I met you, in case you forgot me telling you." I said quietly.
"I know you're not a fool and I know you broke your ties with them, but you got history and knowing you like I do, I'd say you're more likely to go up there so you can spit in the guy's face, then on the old man's grave." Said Jack.
"Do you think I'm suicidal?" I asked.
"I'm exagerrating and you know it. But, you did kill the old man. You tell me if you're suicidal."
"I'm not suicidal Jack, and I'm not going to the meet. My rosy glasses broke a long time ago." I said through gritted teeth.
"After Al beat up Leo?" Asked Jack, though he knew the answer. As much as he dislikes Leo, even he got mad when me and Leo told him about that little situation. I don't share my family history much, for good reason, but we were all talking, and as I've said, Jack's earned my trust to a level that's only surpassed by Leo.
"Yeah, after that. And any remains of the glasses were smashed after what happened to Ben." I said, speaking my thoughts, forgetting I was talking to Jack not Leo.
"Who's Ben?" He asked.
I gripped the phone so tight in threatened to smash. Leo knows alot of my history that Jack doesn't know. The only part I never wanted anyone else to find about was Ben. It's a painful topic, and people knowing would mean talking about it. I do it rarely, and with good reason. "Never mind Jack. Listen, I gotta go, me and Leo are gonna grab a late dinner." I made to hang up when I decided to check how far away Jack was. "Hold on. You said you were coming to meet us. How far away are you?"
"I'll be there by tomorrow morning, I could drive through the night, but I like sleep too much." He said.
"You lazy American." I grinned.
Jack luaghed. "Watch it or you'll pay tomorrow. See you soon Cass. I never thought I would say this, but stick with the shadow til I get there."
I forced a laugh and hung up, letting out a slow breath.
London. 2 days.
Plently of time for Leo and Jack to catch me, especially since Jack knows all the details, and Leo knows I'll definatley to go to the funeral, if only to see what Alex wants. I can trick anyone in the world, anyone I've ever met, into believing what I want them to believe just through the image I project to them. Anyone apart from the two people I needed to convince right now. I'd betrayed the only people I'd trust with my life. For the first time in 3 years my tears nearly overcame me.
I shuddered violently and forced my mask in place. If I was a smoker, I would really be needing a nicotine fix right now. Failing that, I walked into the station, ignoring the ever-hated crowds and searched for a ticket machine. I couldn't find one. Mentally scowling while holding up my mask, I sought out a security guard. It was the luck of the day that when I did find one, he was a young new guy who didn't have the slightest idea where anything was, he did however, express a severe interest in my chest area. I decided breaking a guy's arm in the train station would attract too much attention, especially considering the police are already following up one accusation against me. So, I faked ignorance against his stares and asked him if he knew where I could find the toilets, just to get away. He pointed me in the right direction and I walked off, guessing his stares would now be focussed on my rear end. A quick look back proved my guess right.
In what I saw as my only stroke of luck today, there was a ticket machine right next to the toilets. I doubt that's good hygeine, but I wasn't in the mood to question the station's layout or theit health and safety issues. I purchased a ticket on the next train to Central London and wondered to the arrivals screen. My train was due to arrive in 5 minutes. Maybe my luck for the day was changing.
While I waited I tried to keep my thoughts from Leo and Jack, as well as the upcoming meet and funeral. I failed on both accounts. When the train arrived I was feeling so guilty my nerves almost made me miss it. Almost. Luckily, I made it just in time. It was late in the day, nearly 10PM by now, so the train wasn't too crowded, thank God. My carridge was half empty. I chose one of the four-seat areas which were deserted, dragging my suitcase onto the overhead compartment before sitting down next to the window. The train pulled away from the station and I let out a sigh, half-relief and half-guilt. I pulled a magazine towards me as a man with a paper in front of his face sat opposite me. I mentally sighed and opened the magazine - why couldn't the guy just sit somewhere else? I didn't want to make a scene so I stayed silent. I felt someone sit next to me and gave them a half glance from behind the magazine. I froze as I saw who it was.
"Hi Cass, going somewhere?"